The Tale of the Two McCantas

ACT ONE

SCENE 1

(AT RISE we see DAN, handsomely dashing, standing in the middle of the kitchen.  He is fidgeting with an electric screwdriver.  After a few moments, AUBURN, fetchingly beautiful, enters.  DAN sighs.

DAN

Are you sure we need to do this … this house thing?  We already have a perfectly good house.

AUBURN

Of course.  It’s our patriotic duty.  Besides, now we’ll have TWO perfectly good houses.

DAN

Our patriotic duty?  Auburn, I’m really concerned about you.  Are you watching CNN again?  I thought we decided you’d watch soap operas and Dirtiest Jobs from now on … I’m really concerned about you, you know.

AUBURN

People keep saying that, “I’m really concerned about you.”

DAN

Maybe that’s because people really are concerned about you.

AUBURN

People can start being concerned when I walk unannounced into their house and yak into their morning Cheerios.  Then they can be concerned.  But this, this is cause for celebration.  Buying a house is certainly not a cause for concern.

DAN

(Sighs)

Yes, dear.

AUBURN

Besides, it’s a fabulous house at a fabulous price in a fabulous neighborhood with fabulous neighbors.  What could be more fabulous?

(Pause)

What are you doing with the screwdriver?

DAN

I’m going to take that new fabulous light we just bought at that fabulous price over to the new fabulous house and hang it fabulously from the ceiling.

AUBURN

We don’t close escrow for three more weeks.  You can’t do that.

DAN

(Revving up the screwdriver)

Of course I can.  Then you can be concerned about me.  I’ll call you when I get tossed in the pokey for trespassing.

(DAN heads to the door)

AUBURN

You just wait until you pour your Cheerios tomorrow morning, Mister.  You just wait!

(Exit Dan)

FADE TO BLACK


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